Dont get me wrong, i love my friends and family but some of the stuff just made me go 'Eh???' So ive composed a list of 10 things to try to watch for when helping someone grieve...
1) How are you?
Asking how a person is RIGHT after someone close to them has passed may be the dumbest thing that you can ask. How do you think a person who has just lost a major part of their life is going to feel? Great? Not quite... its your best bet to assume that the person in grief is feeling the worse pain that they have ever felt (because most likely thats how they feel) and just be there. Dont talk (cause you havent proven yourself capable so far) just be there to listen.
2) Im Sorry
ME TOO!!! I understand that its common to say 'Im sorry' when hearing someone has passed, but before you say it the person in grief has already taken for granted that you didnt want this to happen and that you feel bad, saying 'im sorry' just reminds the grieving person how akward things really are... Say 'My condolences' or something. Idk.
3) Is there anything i can do?
Yes, you can bring back the person i just lost... O you cant do that? Well in that case no... there is nothing you can do. Dont get me wrong, i understand this is coming from the utmost generous part of your heart and if the person was in their right state of mind they would be better able to respond, but because they are NOT in their right state of mind this too just points to a sign thats says 'THIS IS WEIRD'
4) Well at least...
REALLY? AT LEAST WHAT? AT LEAST IM NOT DEAD??? Because depending on who you dealin with they might just want to do that. Do your best not to compare this stituation to ANYTHING! You wont win and will NOT make the person feel better. If they're anything like me it just pisses them off.
5) I remember when my _____ died...
Who cares? Not to be rude, but from the most honest place in a grieveing persons heart, WHO CARES??? Clearly when _____ died in your life you were able to get over it and yadda yadda ya, but this aint that, AT ALL. Even though in your mind the situations may be IDENTICAL to the person in grief, this aint that, and never will be. Comparing grief can backfire on you very badly seeing as everybody grieves differently. Not to slight your experience but just because when yo cousin died you picked flowers and it helped doesnt mean when my mom dies i can pick flowers and itll help... im jsut sayin.
6) Not calling
Depending on who you are in a persons life just you calling and saying 'Im here for you' is enough to give a grieving person the strength to get out of bed. And you not calling can do the exact opposite. i understand it may be hard for you as well and you may not know what to say but a simple 'Im here' will do the trick. When a person loses someone close to them its very important to make then feel like they are not alone. The loss of a close loved one is a very lonely time and close friends and family should make sure to let the pesron know they are loved (without annoying them, lol)
7) Calling too much
Its one thing to call and check up on someone but calling every hour is ridiculous. Just plain annoying. Like anyone else a grieving person needs time to themselves to sort out their thoughts and feelings. She/.he cant do that if their phone is ringing off the hook. Chill out, they know you care.
8) Calling and saying nothing
If you have nothing to say, just text hi... Dont call and breath, its annoying... in any situation...
9) Inviting yourself over
Even though in your mind the person doesnt need to be alone or needs to be consoled, if you dont know dont act. If its rude to just drop by on a regular basis what makes you think ots ok just because ____ passed? Guess what? ITS NOT!
10) Why didnt you...
Ask a person why they didnt call you and tell that their loved one passed or calling and asking why they didnt 'invite' you to the funeral is just plain stupid. A) the person isnt in their right mind or emotional state. B) the funeral isnt a club, it a place to show respects. Most of the person is too busy trying to get themselves together for the funeral. C) THIS AINT ABOUT YOU!!! Period.
These are just tips to consider. None of this is fact or researched, just some things to keep in mind in case you ever have to run into this situation.
Jodi~
Dear Jodi,
ReplyDeleteI have found this blog to be very interesting, especially when your offer advise to others. Grieving is a very difficult thing for everyone, but as you know everyone grieves differently and some of the things on your list that you may think is annoying may be comforting to others or could be well very offensive to your friends who may have reached out during this very difficult time for you.
Take a long hard look, how would you really feel if no one called you to "ask you how your feeling", to ask you if there was anything you may need", "I'm sorry" etc... could make the grieving process much harder and have you questioning who really are your friends.
Realize that people really do want to help and you should be a little bit more receptive to there help, because your right, you're not in your right mind but that friend is and you could utilize them to be your brain while yours is in grieving mood. But most importantly you should surround yourself around friends and family during such times because they will help you get through it and leave the time your by yourself to reflect or grieve for your loss one.
Trust me they are really trying to help without trying to sound so incensitive. Yes, we know your not doing well and its alright to say that, but in the next breath they could say somehing comforting like would you like for me to come by and we can go out to dinner, lunch, brunch, a movie to help you get this off your mind. There's really nothing wrong with someone saying there sorry - because they really are, you must not look at these things in such a negative way because behind each one of those 10 things something great could really come from it.
So lighten up and cut your friends some slack and accept their love they have for you and your family. Because without them grieving can be a very lonely place.
On a brighter note, some people don't get to show support to their friends and love ones - think of all the insects that have gotten killed over the years their friends and family never get to say goodbye they are just dead smashed on the bottom of someone shoe, magazine whatever was used to kill them. And just like that I can make you laugh during a difficult time.
So be more open and understanding during your grieving process.
With much love
Anonymous
I'll have to agree with the person above. The time of grieving is a difficult one, not only for you but for your friends and family members going through it as well. If these are the 10 things that shouldn't be done, what are the things that people should do for you? Did you think of that? And also, did you think if you have done some of these things to some of your friends and or family members? I'm sure you have, because like you said it is an weird situation to be in, and we all go through it at a point and time, and im sure ppl are only doing the best that they can.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, whoa, whoa! Maybe the word 'grieving' cause u guys to take this post extra serious... At no point did I mean for that to happen... As I stated earlier in the post everybody does grieve differently AND this is just what I happen to go through. At no point and time did I fault anyone for their actions... Or was I 'hard' on any of my friends. My friends who were there for know I appreciate them. These were just random twisted things that came across my mind during this difficult time in my life...
ReplyDeleteSo chill out, go comment on some of the other posts, follow the blog, don't be so anonymous, relax and send any questions to acupofjodi@yahoo.com
Thanks for the input
Jodi~